


We're parents! We think...

by sdxolqhgurrplh



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Adoption, Developing Friendships, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Bonding, Friends to Lovers, Implied Mpreg, Implied/Referenced Sex, Like glorified business partners, M/M, Mafia AU, Monster Tom (Eddsworld) - Freeform, Original Character(s), Platonic Life Partners, Red Army but its a mafia, also they have a kid, trust me this will work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27858661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sdxolqhgurrplh/pseuds/sdxolqhgurrplh
Summary: (temporary title)The Army is in need of a vacation; but in order to have one, the Red Leader has to get married and start a family. After getting tangled with a shady group; Tord finally gets the thing he wanted, or does he?
Relationships: Tom/Tord (Eddsworld)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	1. The Plan

"Err... Boss? Can I ask a question?" Pau cleared his throat before looking behind him to see Pat and Yuu showing him two thumbs up. Tord looked up from his desktop and stared into Pau's soul.

"Shouldn't you be working on snuffing the Zeppelis? Go ahead." 

"When can we get a vacation? The type where we could go somewhere exotic and not just have a nap day; where we can also freely frolic under the sun," Pau trailed off as he carefully read the words written on the whiteboard; Yuu closed the marker and tapped the board lightly, "naked." Pau quickly closed his mouth, feeling his cheeks burn up afterward.

Tord closed the folder and leaned back on his seat; he placed a cigar on the corner of his lip and lit on fire. 

"The Zeppelis live close by a nude beach; don't you already have a day where you train under the sun? I don't know what you need a vacation for."

"A real vacation, boss, we need it." Pau clenched his fists; Tord motioned for all of them to sit down on the sofa pressed against the wall. Pat and Yuu quickly jump from behind the furniture and sit down on the space beside Pau.

"When I get married to a nice person, you'll get a vacation; I'll even invite you to the reception."

The color from their faces drained; Tord leaned back and placed his boots on his desk. There was a knock on the door; it opened slowly to reveal Tom carrying a tray with a small cup and kettle.

Tord fixed his posture and let Tom place the stuff in front of him; before motioning for him to leave. Tord took a sip of his tea and smiled softly. Pau waited for the door to click before speaking up.

"No offense, Boss, but you're kind of terrifying; you have this aura that drives women away and this specific type you like."

"I know, but I didn't say which gender; quite frankly, I don't care. I have better things to do with my money." Tord finished his cup of tea and placed it to the side; he opened his computer again and started typing. The three of them stood up and left the office disappointed.

All three of them sat by the end of the field; the afternoon sun blazed over their heads while their shadows danced with the gentle breeze. Pau put out a cigar on the sole of his boots; Yuu leaned his chin against his palm and sighed. 

"I think everyone deserves to be happy with someone-- even the Red Leader."

"He needs someone that understands him, like on a personal level," Pau grumbled before placing a cigar at the corner of his lips. Pat slapped his knee as he let out a hearty laugh.

"As if someone like that exists."

Suddenly, the silhouette of someone from the horizon started walking towards them. Tom's pointy hair swayed against the breeze as he approached them three while holding three water bottles. At that moment, two lightbulbs lit up on top of their heads; Pat whispered something to Yuu's ear. After that, all of them had a grin on their face. 

"What are you doing here? Why are you all smiling like idiots? Am I missing something?" 

"Say, Tom, what's your type romantically?" Tom ran his fingers through his hair before sitting down beside them; he pulled out a flask from inside his vest and took a quick swig. 

"I'm married to my job; what more could I ask for?"

"You enjoy working for Tord?" Pat raised an eyebrow; his face turned red as he tried to hold in a laugh. Tom chuckled awkwardly, still confused as to what was happening. 

"Funniest shit I've ever heard." He added as his laughter died down. Tom nodded and took another swig from his flask. 

"Okay--but if I were to get married, I want to make someone happy and have someone to appreciate that I exist." 

"So like a romantically promoted business partner; you still sound like you want to work." Tom shook his head; the LED in his visor turning, a darker shade of magenta. All three of them gasped as Tom squeezed them with his tail.

"Working keeps me busy, so I don't think about how people are hunting me down for being half-alien."

"Okay! Okay! What do you think of fake dating Tord for a vacation? It would be just like a private job!" Pau freed his arm and drummed on the tail; Tom dropped them to the ground and patted their heads with the soft tinsel end of his tail. 

"Sure, why not."


	2. Tord gets a player two

Soldiers cleared the way as Tom passed through them; He stuck to the walls and used them to travel faster. Tom rushed to his room upon seeing it on the horizon and opened a small drawer; he pulled out two small bottles and combined them in a flask. Tom looked at the label before deciding to add more gin to his flask. He took a quick gulp and curled into a ball, letting himself spin around on his swivel chair across the room. Tom softly bounced off the walls and ended up falling on his bed. 

He walked around his bed before screaming into the pillow. What was he thinking? Was he even thinking? Agreeing to fake-marry Tord for a vacation, he can not attend work, and Tord wouldn't even notice! 

Tom tore up the pillows with his nails and screamed even louder; HOLY FUCK IS HE CHEAP!

He just wanted to get numb and not think; pretend that this day never happened and that the three of them just mistook it as him being drunk. He then popped open his flask and drank until his head felt light. Tom twisted a knob in his visor and played music to block outside noises.

The door opened; he turned down the music to look at who was walking and turned it even louder. His body slowly started moving as people tugged at his legs; usually, he'd care, but not right now. 

There was an invitation placed on Tord's keyboard. He picked it up and held it a distance to read; his fingers tapped against the desk excitedly-- this could be worth the shot, despite their incompetence. 

He pushed open a tall door and pushed several buttons that shot the floor upwards; Tord's posture remained stiff, seemingly used to the strength of the lift. His bedroom door opened, leading into something extravagant-- it was a simple room with a bed adjacent to a flat-screen television, and the walls surrounding it flaunted his extensive collection of manga and books. 

He pushed open another door to reveal a walk-in closet; he might as well make his first impression count.

Tom's head was pounding; he quickly gulped the glass of water in front of him and turned down the music in his visor to see more clearly. Yanov threw rose petals around him; Tom caught some with his hands and ate those. 

"Leave some for your date, Tom," Yanov dumped the whole basket on top of the table and lit the candles, "Date? Don't tell me you..."

Yanov showed his palms in defeat, "Hey now, it's their idea, not mine; I'm just here to support the cause."

Tom rubbed his temples; he used his tail to pull down the curtain around them--behind it was almost the whole army cramped in a small room; there was a large symphony orchestra, those with professional recording materials and an audience.

"What are you all doing here!? You're just what? Supporting the cause as well?!"

A portion of the audience flipped illustration boards to display 'yes' in bold letters before hiding it away. Tom scratched his chin and crossed his arms, "What if I don't want to?"

Red dots decorated his face, Yanov pressed the muzzle of his gun against Tom's back; Tom pursed his lips and quickly sat down as the curtains rose again. 

Tom's tail bounced softly against the ground, the tinsel jingling while he did so. There was a slight rumbling from behind him; he quickly turned around and straightened his posture as he saw Tord enter the room. 

His eyes widened in disbelief-- Tord dressed up for something like this. Tord sat down in front of him and cleared some of the rose petals off his plate. 

"So you're the secret admirer? I Never knew you had it in you," Tom cleared his throat; behind Tord's head was a small LED screen displaying something in bold letters with the title being 'read out loud:'

"I'm going to have you in me!?" Tom quickly covered his mouth and started apologizing profusely, "I am so sorry, Red Leader, I-"

"Drop the casualties; It's just us, besides," Tord played with a rose petal before chucking it at Tom's face.

"You are the bottom line; I wouldn't even consider dating you."

"Me neither; I just don't understand why you would roll along with something like this," Tom explained; his eyes flashed into a red before reverting to their usual green hue. 

"Well, it's worth a shot."

Pat placed a fortune cookie in front of them and a few appetizers. Tord cracked open the cookie with his robotic arm and read the message.

"True love is in front of you? It seems like nature is pushing us together today."

Tom sadly smiled and looked at the message in the cookie in front of him; he spliced it open with his nails and opened the piece of paper. 

'Do what you must for the greater good.'

Tom rose from his seat and offered Tord his hand, "Let's get away from here," Tord held onto Tom's hand and let himself get dragged somewhere. 

They were on the roof-top. Tord brought the small cooler in his room and opened a cold one with Tom. 

"It's bitter; how do you even drink this?" Tom spat his drink and stuck his tongue out to hopefully get the taste out of his mouth; Tord raised an eyebrow and finished his bottle of Haywards, "That's part of the appeal; it's very light too." 

"You might be an even worse alcoholic than me," Tom joked. Tord took personal offense to this and immediately retorted back, "That's a lot coming from someone who drinks vodka." 

Tom opened his flask and took a quick sip, "I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that," Tord let out a peal of boisterous laughter, causing Tom to flush a bright pink. 

"You know what's stupider than me drinking vodka? Are those idiots trying to make us fall in love so they could get a vacation-- they even went as far as to make a set akin to the Ritz-Carlston hotels. We wouldn't be here if you gave them at least one vacation! It's not like Fratellis are going rampant every hour," Tom's tail angrily tapped against the roof as he ranted; Tord pressed his finger against the end, watching the tinsel rise and stick their tips against his robotic arm. Tom folded his tail and crossed his arms, knowing that Tord wasn't even listening to him. 

"That's baffling; next thing you know, they'll be arranging a wedding."

"Judging with how dedicated they are, that's probable," the two of them share a quick laugh before eventually dying down. 

"How did you even get dragged to this anyway?" 

"I may or may not have volunteered myself... I was joking, but they took it seriously!" Tom explained; Tord raised an eyebrow, scratched his chin, and finished his bottle of Haywards. 

"Why? Of all the people in the world, you'd be the last person on my list to be the one most interested in me."

"Honestly, I enjoy working for you; it's not as bad as I thought-- imagine that a decade I've been here, you ought to like the workplace at some point," Tom stood up and walked closer to the edge of the roof, "I just took one for the team; I'm not scared of you." 

"That makes one person-- How come we never spoke this much before?"

"Do you want the list?" Tord sat down beside Tom and synced the dangling of his legs with Tom's, "The SparkNotes, please."

"You fixated on wiping out the competition-- you don't care about anyone; I just got used to it." Tord pursed his lips, "I needed to hear that; in short, I'm a piece of shit."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean it--" Tom cut him off; Tord shook his head and patted Tom's back.

"No, you had to get it out your chest; we should talk some more sometimes."

"We should," Tom smiled softly; his visor suddenly displayed three question marks, "Can't believe they wasted all those resources for the set-up for us to hang-out on the roof the whole afternoon."

"I'll see you on Monday."

"Tomorrow, do you want to play video games with me?" Tord scratched the back of his neck; Tom's smile reached his ears, "I'd love to."

Tom waved goodbye and leaped off the roof; Tord looked down in worry, he let out a sigh of relief before waving goodbye. 

Pau grabbed Tom by the shoulders the moment he entered the base. He was, then again, dragged somewhere dark. 

"Where did you guys go? You didn't even stay for the main meal! We made Crème brûlée!" 

"We left because you were pushing it; what the fuck was that on the screen?!" The words Tom emphasized appeared on his visor; Pau stepped back and let Pat talk instead. 

"How did it go? You on good enough terms to get married?"

"NO! GAH! We are friends! And nothing can change that-- if it strokes all of your egos, I'm leaving!" Tom revealed his claws and scratched at the air to scare the crowd forming around him away. Yanov smacked the back of their heads and let Yuu follow Tom.

"Why are you following me? I don't want to talk about it anymore." Tom crossed his arms and took a sharp turn; Yuu followed behind him but kept his space, "I'm here to ask how you're feeling actually."

"Pissed. I don't want you all to cling to a false hope that I can successfully seduce Tord; I'm not even sure if he's comfortable with this." Tom took a right turn causing Yuu to face plant into a wall. He rubbed his forehead and walked beside Tom.

"I'm sorry for how we're acting; anyway, how can we make up for it?" 

Tom waved him off and shut the door in his face. The sound caught him off guard; Yuu crossed his arms and marched away sadly. 

Tom opened his drawer and filled his flask with more tonic water and gin; he turned the music up in his visors and closed the curtains. Lana del Rey was the next song on his playlist-- it looks like it's going to be another Summertime Sadness moment for him. 

His visor suddenly started ringing; He fumbled with the buttons and slicked his hair back, "Hello? Who is this?"

"Tom." 

Tom sat down on his desk and swirled his flask around, "What do you need, Tord?"

"Just checking up on you; do you have a switch?" Tom blinked multiple times; he took a quick swig of his flask and let out a giggle, "No--why? Are we going to play Minecraft or something?"

"We can, but I want to show you my Animal Crossing island."

"Isn't that a single-player game?" Tord chuckled from the other side of the line; Tom laid down on his bed.

"Well, while you're on the line--I've been thinking, and I'm willing to try again," Tom covered his face and rolled around in his bed; before deciding to answer Tord, "You didn't answer my question."

"It's better with a player two, so, what do you say?"

Hell froze over. Soldiers lined the walls of the hallways as Tord passed through. His boots were like a ticking bomb; it was terrifying seeing him with a smile stretched displayed across his face. Pat held his breath-- worried that Tom might have told them off, and this was his way of getting revenge. 

He motioned for the three of them to come with him inside the office. Tord tapped his fingers against the desk as he fished out three pieces of paper and pushed those in front of them.

"I have some reservations for the rest of the day... Since I'm in a good mood, why don't you all take the day off? I'll be in my room; call me when there are urgent matters."

A chill went down their spine; Pau reached forward and read the papers-- it was the announcement with Tord's signature as evidence. Pat was the first one to stand up; his forehead kissed the floor as he thanked Tord multiple times.

After they left, sounds of cheer seeped through the cracks of the door. Tord clicked his tongue and motioned for Tom to come down; Tom leaped from the ceiling and stumbled on the way down. Tord waited for Tom to get up by himself before opening another door.

Tom covered his ears as the elevator shot upwards. Tord hesitated for a moment before wrapping an arm around Tom's shoulder to help him balance himself. Tom wrapped his arms around Tord's waist and closed his eyes. 

The doors automatically opened; Tord gently leads Tom to his room, making sure that his tail curls up in time before the doors shut. Tom opened his eyes and stared in awe as he looked around at the impressive collection of books and consoles. 

Tord pulled out a switch from under his pillow and motioned for Tom to sit down beside him, "look at this," Tom peeked at the screen and bounced as he saw an array of sunfishes. Tord passed the console to Tom and let him play around as well while guiding him on what to do. 

Yuu rolled his eyes and turned on a dial-- he was finally listening to their conversation via the visor-- this was wrong, but his curiosity got the best of him. There were excited squeaks and gasps-- his face burned a bright red; he threw the headset to the ground and let the others listen to it as well. 

Pat rallied everyone in the room and showed them two thumbs up. Everyone celebrated some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress, that Tom's tail is so under-utilized in fanfics outside of sex. I propose the idea that it works like how a pufferfish works: it's soft and fluffy, but if it collects enough air the scales appear. The end is like a ball of yarn and conductive tinsel that can be used as a morningstar when filled with air.
> 
> Also, Tord slowly opening up, gives me serotonin. 
> 
> On an unrelated note, this book is supposed to be a comic, like "romance is dead, but not in necromancy", but the images couldn't be inserted, so if you want to see related doodles or artworks-- it's on my Tumblr ;)


End file.
